Mystery Disease
by losercandy
Summary: A collection of Fem!AU drabbles and one-shots.
1. your head will collapse

AN: Hello, hi there. Welcome. Uhh some stuff: things get kinda violent? Here, and then like, more.. in later things so, keep that in mind. Uhh names wise, (tho it'll probably all get written into context later, but just for you now) Mike is short for Mikah, Neil is short for Janeil (she said they could shorten it, but she thought they'd go for like.. Jane or Jan... they did not...), Rick is short for Erika and Vyvyan is Vyvyan. That should cover it for now? Kay. Bye.

* * *

"Neil? Neil are you awake?!" Vyvyan screams, pounding on the door.

Neil opens her eyes slowly and glares up at the ceiling. What a heavy way to start the day.

"I am now, Vyvyan."

"Brilliant. The kitchen is on fire, do you mind...?"

"The what?" Neil asks blearily, rolling out of bed.

"Kitchen! On fire!" Vyvyan tries again, louder.

"Oh, okay, Vyv." Neil says as she opens the door. She stares at Vyvyan for a second to make sure that she actually _is _seeing a bit of smoke come off the top of her head.

"Vyv, your hair is on fire."

"I know! It's brilliant, isn't it?" Vyvyan shrieks, running down the stairs.

When Neil gets down stairs, she sees Mike standing over the stove with a charred piece of fabric in her hands, and Rick standing in the corner in her bra, shivering and attempting to cover herself.

"Your shirt really did the trick there, Rick. Thanks."

"D-don't mention it, M-m-Mike!"

"Ahh, Neil, you're awake!" Mike shouts. "Just in time, we require lunch!"

"Mike, why was the kitchen on fire?"

"Well it's a bit cold and the stove wasn't really warm enough, so Vyv thought she'd spruce it up."

"With lighter fluid!" Vyv interjects. "It worked pretty well for a bit, too, until it got to the cabinets."

Neil inspects the damage. Broken plates are strewn across the floor, littered with burnt lentils and charred cornflakes.

"I guess we can have umm…" Neil says, sifting through smoking cardboard boxes and broken mugs.  
"Umm, Vyv, what's your recipe for broken crockery?"

"Oh! Well, _FIRST _you have to-"

"Nevermind! We'll go out!" Mike declares. "God, Rick. Put a shirt on. You can't leave the house like that."

"Mike that…" Rick buries her face in her hands. "That was my only shirt." She said in a very pained voice.

"Well, I guess you can stay here, then. We don't mind. Come on, girls." Mike says, turning towards the door.

"I- You're gonna leave me here?" Rick asks, forgetting her concerns about modesty and letting her arms drop to her sides.

Mike rolls her eyes. "I guess someone should probably babysit Rick. Whose turn is it?"

"I um-" Neil says loudly. Mike and Vyvyan turn to look at her. "I did it last time." She finishes, quietly.

"When was _last _time?" Rick demands from the other side of the room.

"When you had cramps during midterms and you kept screaming that you were gonna die. You dictated your memoirs to me. I had to use all of my paper…"

"Oh. That." Rick says, not bothering to argue. Her teeth have started to chatter. "I'm… Is there a blanket or something around here?"

Mike takes her coat off the peg by the door and shrugs it on. "Vyv, do you mind? I normally wouldn't- I mean you know. But Neil had a seven day nervous breakdown last time."

"That memoir… was so heavy…" Neil says, staring at the middle distance.

"I… Fine. But you better bring back a shit ton of food and some fucking lager, Neil. " Vyvyan growls, misplacing her agitation on Neil as always.

"Sure." Neil says, wrapping a scarf around her face several times. "Nff pffblm"

"What?"

"Bye, gals!" Mike says, slamming the door behind them.

Vyvyan turns and growls, glaring at Rick. Rick's eyes go wide as she backs into the wall slowly.

"I swear to god!" Vyvyan yells, running towards her with her arms stretched out. She's going for a strangle. Rick yelps and ducks, running past her just as she's about to reach the corner of the room. Rick bolts for the stairs.

"God, you're such a prick!" Vyvyan yells, following her.

Rick slams the door to her room and throws herself on the bed, wrapping herself in her blanket and cowering. She hears Vyvyan bang on the door loudly a few times, then hears her combat-boot weighted footsteps stomp across the hall to her own room. Rick lets out a relieved sigh, but the moment is short lived. She hears Vyvyan stomping back across the hall, then the sound of wood splintering. Vyvyan bursts into the room holding a crowbar.

"What the hell, Rick? Why did you lock me out?"

"Vyvyan get away from me with that crowbar!"

"Oh, right. Sorry." Vyvyan says, tossing the crowbar into the corner of the room. "Crowbar isn't really fair, is it? It's probably more fun if I use_ thisss!" _Vyvyan says, pulling a bat from under her vest.

"How the hell did you- OW SHIT!" Rick screams as Vyvyan hits her across the face. "Goddammit."

"Shit, Rick, you're bleeding." Vyvyan says, suddenly appearing calm. "Damn, I split your cheek open."

"Are you serious?" Rick whimpers, hand flying to her face. She looks down at the crimson on her fingers and feels a little light headed. "My _face, Vyvyan?" _

"Wow, it looks nice. There's blood all over you."

Rick closes her eyes and hisses air in through her teeth. "Shit, is it on my bra?"

Vyvyan laughs. "Yeah."

"Dammit, this is my only one."

"Why do you even wear a bra, anyway? I thought you were a big time feminist. Isn't that kind of against the rules?"

"Shut up, Vyvyan. I wouldn't expect you to know anything about it." Rick says, tears falling from her eyes. She's trying her best but it really, really did hurt.

"God don't do that you pansy." Vyvyan groans. "You're gonna need a couple of stiches, but it's not that bad. Shut up."

"Shut up? Shut up?! You're not the one bleeding out of your face, Vyvyan!"

"I have had worse cuts than that, shithead. Get over yourself."

"Ugh. Fine. Just… Where are we going for stiches? Cos umm … there's a nurse over at the university hospital who kind of… Well, I don't want to get into it, but I'd rather not see her."

"Don't worry about it. I'm doing them here."

"What?"

"I'll do them! It'll be good practice!" Vyv says, grinning.

Rick's eyes go darkly serious. She grabs Vyvyan's padlock and pulls her down to face level. She doesn't let up even when she hears Vyvyan choking.

"You listen to me, Vyvyan Marie Basterd. You are taking me somewhere to get proper stitches!"

Vyvyan directs one of her wildly flailing arms and manages to punch Rick in the stomach. Rick gasps and lets go of the padlock. Vyv stands up and massages her neck.

"I'm not taking you anywhere, Prick. You'll get blood in my car. You only need about two stiches. It's me or Mindy Jenkins at the university hospital, and you may _think _it's a secret, Rick, but everyone knows you tried to feel her up at the Christmas mixer and she gave you a black eye and a face full of eggnog."

"LIES AND SLANDER! WHO TOLD YOU?"

"Come on, we're doing the stiches in my room."

* * *

Vyvyan is wrong and it takes four stitches. They stick out, dark and black against Rick's pale skin. Vyvyvan runs her finger over them gently, and Rick winces away slightly. Vyvyan has a strange look on her face. Rick's breathing is coming through in a weird way. Must be the blood or the stitches or something to do with pain, because that would make sense. That makes sense to her.

Vyvyan's eyes flicker down to Rick's chest. She traces her finger lightly across Rick's collar bone, smearing some blood across it.  
"You should-" She swallows loud enough for Rick to hear. Her breathing is strange too. Nerves? Excitement? She just did stitches. That makes sense. "You should get cleaned up." Vyvyan says, finally leaning away from Rick. She takes a step away from her and pauses, looking her in the eye. Then she backs away quickly to the other side of the room.  
"I uh… I need a shirt…" Rick says, quietly.  
"Right." Vyvyan says, turning away to rummage through a pile of clothes on the floor.  
"Here, wear this." She says, throwing a striped red and grey jumper at Rick.  
"I hate that thing, I never wear it. You can have it… For five quid."  
"Thanks, but I don't think I-"  
"It's a fiver for a loan on it as well, so take your pick."  
"Fine." She grumbles. "I'll pay you next… Hmm I… It'll be two weeks."  
"I can wait."

Vyvyan paces for a moment, then walks out of the room and returns quickly with a damp cloth.  
"Here. I nicked one of Mike's cos hers were the only clean ones…" She says, holding the cloth to Rick's face. She dabs gently around the stitches, watching the cloth turn pink as it wipes at the blood. Rick listens carefully. Her breathing has gone all funny again.  
"Thanks." Rick says quietly. Vyvyan's head snaps back a little. She looks at Rick and contorts her face into a sort of glare.  
"If you tell her that I took it, I'll mess up the other side of your face, do you hear me?" She says, shoving the cloth into Rick's hand and stepping back into the corner of the room.  
"I hear you." Rick says, grudgingly.  
She takes the cloth and wipes at her neck and chin, surprised at how quickly the cloth is turning red. She'd bled a lot more than she realized. She can feel Vyvyan's eyes on her, but she tries not to look up as she cleans her shoulder and her chest. She can feel heat rising up to her face. From what she can see, her bra is pretty fairly covered in blood. Not completely, but enough to stick to her skin and make her uncomfortable. It's wet. She's cold. She needs to wash it. She's going to have to take it off. She reaches around for the clasp and notices that Vyvyan is still watching her.  
"Do you _mind_, pervert?"  
Vyvyan rolls her eyes. "I've seen breasts before, Rick. I've got some, if you hadn't noticed." Vyvyan says, gesturing to her chest.  
Rick swallows hard and tries not to look down at Vyvyan's chest. She doesn't know why. It doesn't make sense.  
"Yes, but you haven't seen _MINE_!"  
Vyvyan rolls her eyes again and turns around, leaning her head into the corner.  
"As if I'd want to see yours anyway. You probably have messed up nipples or something."  
"I assure you, my breasts are _perfectly fine,_ missy!" Rick yells.  
"Whatever." Vyvyan grumbles into the wall. "You have until the count of five, and then I'm turning around."

"One… Two…"

Rick looks at Vyvyan, sure that she can't see her from her place in the corner, but turns away from her anyway.  
"Three…"  
She takes off her bra and throws it to the floor, pulling the jumper over her head as quick as she can.  
"Fou-"  
"Fine, I'm done!"

Vyvyan spins around and slumps her shoulders towards the wall.  
"Jumper doesn't look half bad on you. Better than the shit your normally wear."  
Rick huffs and rolls her eyes. "I wouldn't expect _you _to know anything about fashion…" She crosses her arms shyly around her chest. "But uh… thanks, I guess."

Downstairs the door opens with a loud bang, like always, and Neil and Mike shuffle through.  
"Soup's on!" Mike bellows towards the staircase.  
"But we didn't get soup, Mike. We got Chinese food." Neil says, looking confused. Mike says nothing and proceeds into the kitchen, sitting down in her usual spot. Neil shuffles in, holding all the bags, and tries to find a bit of counter that doesn't look too charred to hold some weight.

"Did you get any lager?" Vyvyan yells, bounding out of the room.

Rick sits down on the bed for a moment. She isn't ready to go downstairs yet. She traces her finger across the stiches in her cheek. Vyvyan actually did a pretty good job, from what Rick understands about stiches. She can sort of still feel Vyvyan's hands on her face if she stops trying to forget. Something is weird. It doesn't make sense. Her heart is beating too loud in her ears. It's not the blood and it's not the pain. It doesn't make sense.

She hates how much she loves the jumper.


	2. big veins, dog bait

Neil leans away from Mike, dragging her hand through her hair.

"No. I mean, it's not simple."

"What's so complicated about it? I'm listening." Mike says. Her sincerity is out of character. It's disarming.

"I mean, it's pretty hard to wrap your head around, Mike. It's pretty heavy stuff."

"I've said I'm listening."

Neil leans back, crossing her arms over her chest. She looks down and plays with the edge of her sleeve.

"I don't know… I don't know. I mean, the words are there, right? Like I've thought about it before, how to put it but. I can't get them out."

"That's okay. I can wait." Mike says, settling against the wall as well. She takes her sunglasses off and sets them down on the floor, next to her knee.

So this is serious. Mike serious. Mike serious is dangerous, because Mike always gets things done.

Moments pass between them, and Mike isn't probing or pushing or even looking at Neil. She's incredibly unobtrusive but Neil has never been more aware of the fact that she's there. Neil wants to push all of this out of her chest. She's been waiting for someone to ask for so long. She thinks it might free up some room for something else. Pushing negative vibes out might cause positive ones to rush in to fill the space. She knows she needs it. She sputters for what seems like the hundredth time, but there's substance behind it this time. She's going to speak, now.

"It's not like. The worst pain imaginable, or anything." She says, shrugging. "I mean, well it is, just not always. And it's almost worse like that. When it's 'normal'. I mean it's just there, every day." She says, gesturing with her hands. "Hanging somewhere over me. I never get to forget it. It's not always even loud. It's different every day. But it's always there."

"Really? Always?"

"Yeah." Neil says, arms falling. She leans back, sighing. There's a little pressure off her shoulders, but she hadn't realized she'd be so worried about a reaction.

"Wow. You know, Neil… I didn't realize it was that bad."

"People tend not to…"

"That's terrible." Mike says, putting her hand on Neil's. Neil flinches away on instinct, and regrets it. She sighs and settles into it. Mike's hand just gently on hers. It feels nice. She's not sure exactly what Mike means by it, but it just sort of feels like '_I'm here' _and that's what Neil needs.


	3. everything a girl could be

Rick tears at Vyvyan's skin, sinking her nails into her shoulder blades. Their mouths are pressing together hard, too hard, harder than usual. Vyvyan slams Rick into the wall as retaliation. Rick's mouth leaves Vyvyan's and she gasps loudly. Her hand comes up and smacks Vyvyan in the face. Vyvyan grunts and digs her knuckles into Rick's hip bone, then winds back, punching the new raw spot. Rick kicks out, connecting with Vyvyan's shin. Vyvyan backs up, cursing. Rick drops fully onto her feet, and braces against the wall to keep from stumbling. She lurches forward, connecting her fist with Vyvyan's jaw. Vyvyan comes back with blood on her lip and a snarl on her face. She's back at Rick's mouth, kissing her harshly. Rick pushes back into her, taking her shoulders, and walking her into the corner. She can't even remember what they're fighting about or why there is so often blood in their kisses lately. She pulls back and inspects Vyvyan's black eye. It's two days old now, and the purple is unnamable and has a morbid sort of beauty. Rick wonders what it says about her that she thinks that. She presses her bloody knuckles into Vyvyan's cheek, smearing blood and rubbing the hanging pieces of skin off of them. Vyvyan opens her mouth and bites at Rick through her cheek.

"You're fucked up, you know that?" Vyvyan says, bringing her fingers up to Rick's jaw.

"Yeah." Rick breathes down at her.

"As long as you know." She says, pulling her back down into a kiss. Vyvyan bites down on Rick's lip and seems determined to draw blood.

"Fuck!" Rick mutters, smacking Vyvyan on the side of the head, reflexively.

Vyvyan pulls back, smirking. "Can't take as well as you can give, eh?"

"Shut up."

"Quit whining." Vyvyan says, tangling her fingers into Rick's hair and tugging back sharply.

"Fuck." She cries again. But it's quieter. Has an edge of reservation to it. Vyvyan bites hard at Rick's neck, and Rick hisses, grabbing Vyvyan's shoulder and pressing her thumb into her collar bone.

She can't remember how they got here. She never does until much later. It's a rush and a high and it effects both of them and Rick wonders how long it is before they burn out, and all that's left is the bruises.


	4. just a better way to fall

She buries her hand into Vyvyan's hair. It's clean and wet and sticking to her head. It's the first time Rick has ever seen her without her spikes. Her hair is longer than Rick thought it would be. It's cold where it touches Rick's thighs. The muscles in her hand start to spasm, and she grips at Vyvyan's head harder to hide it. She feels like she's only breathing in. Like her ribcage is going to expand forever. She feels the breath leaving her mouth, coming out in gasps and whispers, but it never feels like it actually leaves her chest. Vyvyan's hands are on her. One on her thigh, fingers digging in, bones rubbing against skin against skin against bones. Her other hand moves across Rick's stomach and chest, sometimes resting on her arm. This hand is mischievous, with a mind of its own. Exploring. Settling, but never for long. Her feet are starting to lose feeling but shit, shit, shit, she's not going to do anything about that now. Not right now. No, because now she feels like she's leaving her body and simultaneously inhabiting it more than usual, more than is possible. She's trying to ground herself and just be singular, but her mind is finding nothing beyond this moment. Her spine is curling up in the middle, digging her shoulders into the bed. Her breathing catches even more from the new odd angle her neck has found. Just as gradually as it starts, it's fading away. She tries to hold onto it and commit it to memory, but she knows, she can't for the life of her remember what it feels like unless it's happening. It's all draining out of her slowly, leaving her with nothing but heavy breath, finally exiting her chest. Vyvyan's hand on her thigh releases slowly as she kisses her way up Rick's stomach and chest, up to her collar bone. Vyvyan leans up to kiss her.  
"You're gonna kiss me…after you just…" Rick says, uneasily.  
"Oh my _god, _Rick."


	5. calculated

"We're just always playing dumb games." Rick says, calmly, laying sandwiches out on the picnic blanket. Lined little rows of bread and cellophane. They look disgusting, but she's pretending. She's playing house. She's thinking of those sandwiches Mummy used to make when they went to the beach. She can't remember what was on them anymore, she just knows they were better than these. They were amazing. Rick spent all her money on the bread and the plastic wrap alone. These sandwiches are full of ketchup and sludgy bits of things, and she knows Vyvyan isn't going to complain, but she still wishes she could do better. Wishes something proper for them, just for once.

"Don't be fucking rude." Vyvyan mutters around her cigarette. She's leaned against the tree with a sun hat drawn down over her eyes. She always takes this kind of role and Rick can't figure out whether she actually buys into an antiquated masculine/feminine relationship dichotomy or if that's just where she feels she belongs.

"Don't you know what I mean, though?" Rick asks, with a tilt of her head. A calculated tilt that she thinks she can see from outside herself. She imagines the way she looks, standing on her knees on this hill in her sundress. Irresistible, she guesses. It's not exactly as though Vyvyan is looking, though.

"No, I think you're just being a prick about our relationship."

Rick smiles. "So you admit we have a relationship?"

"Sure, why the fuck not?" Vyvyan says, pulling the cigarette from where it dangled at the edge of her mouth. "We're in a relationship. Girlfriends. What the fuck ever. Send out greeting cards, why don't you? Tell the world."

"See, this is what I was talking about. Games. Everything is so funny to you, isn't it? Ha-ha-ha."

"It's _you _I'm looking out for." Vyvyan says, pulling the hat further down over her eyes. "What would your parents say?"

"I'm not…" Rick fiddles with the bottles of lemonade. They're warm, but she didn't think it would matter. It's the fanciest thing they have. The only proper thing. The only thing she'd been able to nick without getting caught. "I don't want to know for the sake of telling my parents. I don't care what you think, Vyvyan. I don't care. God, I don't." She shoves the bottle into Vyvyan's hand. "I just want you to stop pulling shit."

Vyvyan runs her thumb over the side of the bottle before she tips her hat back and looks at it. She knows Rick can't afford anything like this, because she and Mike have checked Rick's room for money. Well, they'd taken all the money. Rick turns away but Vyvyan grabs her shoulder and pulls her down to eye level.

"Listen. I'm never going to stop pulling shit. Never. Alright? So if you don't want to deal with it, don't." Vyvyan tips her hat off so she can look Rick in the eyes better. "Just… I don't want you to fuck off, okay?"

Rick bites at the inside of her cheek. She's not deciding. She's barely thinking. She's filing. She can't deal with this right now. This was supposed to be their nice day. Their lazy Sunday picnic, and she was going to have it, no matter what happened after. She was going to have this fucking picnic.

"That's a stupid hat." She said, pulling it back down over Vyvyan's eyes.

"Piss off." Vyvyan replied, pushing her to the ground.

Rick laughed and rolled onto her side. Vyvyan stood up and laughed over her, and gave her a small kick.

"Get up and give me a sandwich you, bastard."

"Sit down and get it yourself, fart breath."


	6. refuse to fade away

Vyvyan leans back onto the couch, shifting to rest her boots on the arm. She lays her head into Rick's lap, plucking the spliff out of her mouth and letting her arm hang off the side.

"Here's what I think: I think-"

"I think you should stop blowing smoke in my face." Rick interrupts, putting her hand over Vyvyan's mouth. Vyvyan rolls her head to the side. "Okay." She says with quiet concentration.

"What was I saying?" She asks, squinting out at the room.

"You were saying 'Here's what I think'."

"Right. Right okay. I think you hate Neil. Is what I think."

"You think I hate Neil?"

"Yeah."

"Why? Don't you hate Neil?"

Vyvyan turns onto her side and curls her legs up. "Sometimes." She says, taking another drag. "Not always. I think you hate her always."

"Maybe."

"Why?"

"She's a stupid hippy. She smells and she's always moaning about everything. I haven't got time for that."

"Sure, she's annoying, but why do you hate her?"

"Is she the one that gave you that?"

Vyvyan admires the burning ember tip and chuckles. "Yeah."

"Then I hate her."

"You're too fucking aloof. You're still your father's daughter, aren't you?"

Rick sets her jaw for a moment, but rubs Vyvyan's shoulder lightly and answers levelly. "Vyvyan, you don't know anything about my father."

"I can bloody well guess." Vyvyan says quietly. Any other time Vyvyan would have said something like that with an edge and a shove into the wall, but now she's annoyingly docile. Self-centered house cat curled onto Rick's lap and Rick isn't sure what to do but to keep rubbing her shoulder.

"We're all slaves to the image of our fathers, Vyvyan." Rick sighs. Vyvyan chokes or laughs or both. Something bitter and amused.

"Sometimes I forget you're a sociology student and not a real person."

Rick is about to respond when they hear someone coming down the stairs. Vyvyan's eyes are wide with panic for a moment, but Rick bends down to grab the spliff from her and step on it. "Pretend you're asleep." She hisses. Vyvyan obeys.

Rick straightens her posture and shifts as though she's trying to get away from Vyvyan.

Mike stumbles in. A few of her shirt buttons are undone, seemingly at random, and there are lipstick marks on her face and neck.

"I don't know about you girls, but I've had a bloody nice time."

"Can we _go _now, Mike? None of us are having any fun. Look at Neil, for chrissake!" Rick says, pointing to the corner of the room. Neil had fallen asleep crying after putting a box over her head and drawing a large frowning face on it. It was disturbing to look at. "Do you know what she said Mike? Because she was asking for you."

"It's a party, Rick! I can't hang about and hold her hand. Come on, we'll go. But uh…" Mike glanced around the room. "You've got to help me carry some stuff, alright? My coat's not big enough."

Rick pushes Vyvyan off and stands, straightening her blazer. "You can use Neil's new face." She says, gesturing to the box. "I've got to help that ugly, drunken lug out to the car." She says as she walks over to help Vyvyan to her feet.

Vyvyan keeps her eyes closed as the zig zag through the dying noise of the dissipating party, but opens them when they get into the relative silence outside. She kisses Rick on the cheek as Rick lowers her into the car. Rick wipes it off.


End file.
